


when dawn breaks (i will remember)

by sunnyangel (orphan_account)



Series: it was my first love [6]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood, F/M, Historical AU, Implied Cheating, Implied Johnny/Irene, Implied homophobia, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Past Lives, Reincarnation, Royalty AU, Secret Lovers, Soulmates, nurse!taeyong, police!jaehyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:27:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25500613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/sunnyangel
Summary: He’s not entirely sure where it comes from, or why he feels guilty enough to wake up in cold sweat. There were times—only a few, enough to be counted on one hand—where he would wake up crying, heavy tears running down his face in the middle of the night. Those were the rare times when he sees that one particular figure standing before him.Tall and broad, honorable as though he carries the whole world on his shoulders. He had the ghost of a smile on his thin lips while he remains firmly on his spot.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Lee Taeyong, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong
Series: it was my first love [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1821496
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	when dawn breaks (i will remember)

Taeyong wakes up with a jolt in his limbs, a slight ache thumping in his chest, pulsating and reverberating along his veins. He stares at nothing for a few seconds, letting the darkness of his room slowly seep into his skin under the layers that shielded him away from the frigidness of his safe space. It felt colder, it always does whenever it happens, and he has since gotten used to the stifling sensation that settles within his chest after every dream that occurs as a nightmare.

He is not entirely sure of what to make out of the dreams he often sees in his sleep. It visits him once a week—twice if he is unlucky—yet it is enough for him to lose bits of his sanity with every single day that passes by throughout his week. It keeps him on his toes, puts the lingering taste of metal under his tongue, and it has gotten to the point where he refuses to fall asleep and instead drowns himself with as much caffeine his body can take.

Sighing, he reaches out to his nightstand with a soft grunt escaping his chapped lips. He turns on his lamp, wincing at the bright light, before grabbing his pair of silver-rimmed glasses. He blinks a few times, letting his eyes adjust. From outside the windows, he sees dawn starting to break. 

He catches a glimpse of his phone’s screen and sees a few missed calls and text messages from his colleagues and friends. Most of them came from Doyoung, the head nurse in his department. He figures calling him back or sending a quick text message would be ideal in case an emergency happened at the hospital, but he was too far distracted to even bother trying to pick up his phone from the stand.

He should have taken the night shift instead. It is always a better idea for him to take the night shift. That way, he would be able to distract himself with the chaos that occurs within the Trauma Unit altogether. He would rather become overworked than experience another head splitting headache from the images he keeps on seeing whenever he closes his eyes.

_Blood and a crown._

He wonders day and night about the same scenes that repeat themselves over and over again during his sleep, and every time he wakes from the nightmare, he feels an inkling of guilt sprouting in his chest—fingers and toes curling in shame for some unknown reason.

He sits on his bed for a few solid minutes before finally starting his day. He heads to his bathroom for a quick shower, letting the warm water run out just as his muscles slowly relax from being too tensed. Then, he puts on his neatly ironed baby blue scrubs before grabbing his sling bag and heading out of his room and into his small and cramped kitchen. He starts preparing a sandwich, just as he always does, and he packs it with him to the hospital in case he gets hungry during his shift. He waits for a few more minutes, letting his neatly trimmed black hair air dry before he leaves his apartment. It’s become a routine for him already by this point.

“I called you last night,” Doyoung greets him with a frown once he arrives at the hospital. Taeyong deliberately ignores him as he walks past him and towards his locker. “Did you bring Ms. Kwon’s records with you? Dr. Nam needs to be updated in case the surgery’s causing complications to her liver. She might need to undergo tracheostomy since the accident really damaged her airway.”

“Wasn’t she already stable yesterday?” Taeyong stuffs his bag inside his locker as he turns to his senior. “I remember changing her IV drops and even checking her vitals.”

“Yeah, but she started to have difficulty in breathing. We had Dr. Nam check up on her and he said she needs another surgery.”

Taeyong reaches out to the corners of his locker and grabs his ID once he finds it. He clips the card on his scrubs, at the upper left part of his chest. “I’ll bring it later to your office.”

Doyoung nods at him. “Don’t forget about it. I’m also waiting for your reports about the patient you handled the other day. Was it the kid who fell from a tree?”

Taeyong hums, remembering the surgery Dr. Choi performed on the young boy suffering from a displaced fracture. “Yeah, that’s him. I still have to check up on him during my rounds later, though.”

Doyoung nods at him. Behind him, Kun enters the locker room with a whine on his lips. He wore the same baby blue scrubs as the other nurses around them, jet black hair slicked back neatly to avoid going into his eyes. Taeyong closes his locker and glances at his colleague.

“I think I’m about to die from exhaustion!” Kun practically whines. Doyoung bit back a chuckle while Taeyong slowly shakes his head. “I only had 2 hours of sleep! I had to assist Dr. Park during an open heart surgery last night, and it was dreadful! We had to revive the woman twice and it took us about 5 hours before the surgery ended.”

“Oh? Weren’t you supposed to be off duty last night?” Doyoung furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

“I was! Until I got called in to assist since apparently we were short on staff last night because of the bus accident that happened!”

“Good thing I got off early, then. Although I’d prefer doing the night shift.” Taeyong muses.

“Same dream again?” Doyoung tilts his head to the side. “Have you talked to Dr. Kim from the Psychology Department about it?”

Taeyong shakes his head. “I don’t think the dreams will stop even if I seek out medical help. Besides, I don’t have enough money to pay for the sessions if I ever go for a consultation.”

“Just try it out. She’s a nice lady, I’m sure she’d be willing to give you an advice or two.”

Taeyong nods once, not wanting to go further into the topic. He would rather talk about their patients all day long than dive deeper into his peculiar dreams. He has been experiencing it long enough for him to push it at the back of his mind, yet every time the dream visits him in his sleep, he would get the same lingering feeling of fear and guilt slowly creeping up his spine.

He’s not entirely sure where it comes from, or why he feels guilty enough to wake up in cold sweat. There were times—only a few, enough to be counted on one hand—where he would wake up crying, heavy tears running down his face in the middle of the night. Those were the rare times when he sees that one particular figure standing before him.

Tall and broad, honorable as though he carries the whole world on his shoulders. He had the ghost of a smile on his thin lips while he remains firmly on his spot.

Every single time the man appears, Taeyong feels the urge to say his apologies. For what, though? He barely knows the man, his face blurred in his vision every time he tries to take a closer look. People would bellow; he would always hear them cry out whenever he tries to take a step forward. Anguished voices all crying out to him—no, _not him._ They all cry out for the man in front.

What for?

Taeyong sighs and finally leaves the locker room. He went on his day as usual, doing his rounds at the hospital, changing the bed sheets in vacant rooms, assisting during emergencies, and at times gossiping with his colleagues if he’s on a break. The stark white walls and scent of disinfectant calmed his nerves enough for him to push the images at the back of his head. Still, he cannot help but to feel his body ache for a proper rest.

He greeted a few of his colleagues as he passed by the cafeteria, a bunch of folders in his hands. He spotted Kun at a table and quickly approaches him with a small tap on his shoulder.

“Oh, hey,” Kun greets him with a nod. Taeyong takes the vacant seat beside him, leaning back as he lets a sigh escape his lips. “Have you finished your rounds?”

Taeyong nods. Jungwoo, who wore a new pair of glasses, glanced at him. “You look pale, Taeyong-ah. Have you eaten yet?”

“I haven’t had the chance to take a break,” Taeyong sighs and places the folders on the table in front. Kun picks up his chopsticks and starts to eat in silence. “I want to take the night shift but my body’s begging for me to take a rest.”

“Why don’t you go home now? I can cover your shift for you,” Jungwoo suggests. “You don’t have to strain your body again, Yong. Head Nurse Kim wouldn’t like to see one of his workers lying on a hospital bed again.”

Taeyong scoffs, resting his elbows on the table and leaning his head to his palm, gently massaging his throbbing temples. “Doyoung’s already used to my fainting spells by now. I’m just too stubborn to take a rest.”

“Well, then you better stop giving him heart attacks starting now. You look like absolutely shit, Yong.” Kun grabs his water bottle and starts chugging down the remaining liquid. A strand of hair now falls near his eyes, escaping the abundance of gel he put on this morning to keep his hair in place. “Your immune system’s already weak, you can’t worsen it further. It’s not good.”

“I told you, I’m fine. I’ve been working for years now, it’s not like I don’t know how to handle myself. We’re already short on staff today, if I leave and an emergency happens, it won’t be good.”

“You’re just making excuses for yourself. We can ask help from the Pediatrics Unit if another emergency emerges, you know.”

“It’s just a day, Yong,” Jungwoo pushes his tray away from him with a quick sigh. “You can come back tomorrow when you’re already feeling better.”

Taeyong lets out a sigh. He wants that too, believe him, but the idea of taking a rest means having to sleep and sleeping to him means having the possibility of experiencing those recurring dreams _again._ His body has been begging for a proper rest for the past week and a half. He’s practically a machine running on an unhealthy amount of red bull and coffee. If it weren’t for the sleeping pill tablet he took the previous night, he would not be able to fall asleep at all.

“I still need to work,” he answers meekly, a pathetic excuse against his colleagues’ worry for him.

Kun only shakes his head with a frown, refusing to lose against his friend’s stubbornness. “Take a break, Yong,” he sighs, clicking his head to the side. He spots Doyoung walking towards them. “There’s Head Nurse Kim. Talk to him.”

Taeyong throws his head back and lets out a groan just as Doyoung reaches their table. He already knows where this argument is going, and it always ends up with Doyoung pulling out his senior card to assert dominance over his colleagues.

“We were just talking about you, Doyoung-ah.” Kun greets with a smile.

Doyoung raises an eyebrow before standing beside Taeyong. He pulls down the face mask covering the lower half of his face before glancing at his closest friend in the hospital. Taeyong only shrugs at him.

“What is it?”

“Nurse Lee’s not feeling well.”

Taeyong shakes his head at Jungwoo, giving him the side eye. Doyoung crosses his arms over his chest and turns to stare at Taeyong. “You should go home.”

“Is it necessary? I said I’m fine!” Taeyong throws up his hands in frustration. A few nurses from the Intensive Care Unit passed by them, sending them quiet greetings along the way. Doyoung turns to them with a small smile.

“No, you’re not,” Kun retorts. “I’ve been watching you these past few days and you’re starting to lose color on your skin.”

“Go home, Taeyong,” Doyoung sighs. “We’d rather have to gone at home than slave yourself around here.”

A pout settles its way onto Taeyong’s thin lips, nose scrunching in annoyance. Doyoung has always been too good to him, too kind and pure. Despite being younger, Doyoung has always made sure to take care of Taeyong. His brilliance and excellence in their chosen field also gave him more leverage when it comes to being the assertive one in their group, easily climbing up to the top and even managing to graduate and work early. Taeyong never wanted to admit it, but he relies on the younger’s help just as much as he relies on his parents’ support.

It makes him ashamed at times, though. His burden also becomes Doyoung’s burden ever since the younger has made sure to look after him at every chance he gets. He never had to worry about the entirety of his dilemma since Doyoung has always made sure to lend his shoulders in carrying his problems as well.

In the end, he finds himself unlocking the door to his apartment, a groan escaping his lips as he proceed to remove his shoes by the doorway, and the moment his feet hit the cold tiled ground, he realizes just how much he appreciated listening to his friends’ advice.

He proceeds to make his way inside his small bedroom, carefully placing his sling bag at the foot of his bed just as he always does. He takes a quick shower, changes back into his house clothes, and lets himself lie awake on his bed—tired eyes staring at the empty ceiling. When he closes them, he feels his body starting to grow more and more tired.

He does not dream.

* * *

“Night shift?”

Taeyong looks up from his clip board , teeth nibbling at the end of his pen. He sees Taeil by the door who turns to glance at what he’s currently reading. Taeyong gently puts down his pen to greet the medical technician.

“Good evening, Taeil. How have you been?”

“Good, I suppose,” Taeil nods, satisfied with himself. “Our unit’s been quieter these past few days.”

Taeyong hums in agreement and lets his eyes wander over to his clip board once again. The Trauma Unit has indeed been getting fewer numbers of patients in the past week. Lesser patients meant more rest.

“Except for the incident the other day,” Taeyong bites his lower lip and glances at Taeil who now stands at the other side of the room. He leaned over to one of the nurses’ desk, quietly reading the documents. “What happened to the suspect, by the way?”

“Is this about the hostage?”

Taeyong nods.

“Oh, well, I’m not really sure to be quite honest. We were all too preoccupied with the patients and I got side-tracked as well since I got called to the Pediatrics Unit.”

“I heard from Jungwoo that there were a few police officers who got shot.”

“Ah, really? How are they now?”

Taeyong checks his clip board once again. He isn’t handling any of the police officers that got shot during the hostage that took place, only some of the injured civilians.

“All victims are stable now, but Doyoung got assigned to the officer who’s in a critical condition, I think.”

“Ah,” Taeil nods in acknowledgement. “As expected, Head Nurse Kim handles the critical patients. He really works hard, huh?”

“He does,” Taeyong agrees. “Other than that, we’ve been getting fewer patients which, I suppose, is a good thing. A few of our colleagues finally managed to get back a bit of their rest.”

“What about you, though? You’re not planning on taking a rest?”

Taeyong smiles softly and shakes his head at Taeil. “The hospital doesn’t sleep,” he says. “And I’d rather work here all night, you know? It gives me stuff to do.”

A small, red dot starts to blink by the entrance of the office, Room 304’s on call signal flickering by the wall. Taeil glances at it while Taeyong rushes over to it immediately and presses the button to answer the call.

“Good evening…” The person said over the line, voice scratchy and hoarse. “Uhm, can you— uhm, can you please help me?”

“Good evening. What can I do for you?” Taeyong greets with a smile despite not being seen. He spares Taeil a glance just as the latter promptly excused himself out of the room.

“Uhm, the tube of my IV drip has blood. Is that— is that normal?”

“Yes, it is. There’s nothing to worry about. May I ask if your IV bag is already empty?”

“Yeah, uhm, it’s almost empty.”

“Alright, then. I’ll be in your room shortly.”

“Okay. Thank you…”

Before leaving the room, Taeyong grabs a brand new bag of IV solution before heading out of the nurses’ office. The hallways were almost empty, with only a few doctors and nurses roaming around the area for their rounds. He even managed to pass by Doyoung who was inserting a dollar bill into a vending machine, bags hanging low under his eyes.

“Hey, Doie,” he greets him with a small tap on his back.

Doyoung turns to him. “Oh, hey. Where are you headed to?”

Taeyong holds up the IV bag in his hand. “Room 304.”

Doyoung nods at him and proceeded to crouch down to get his drink. Taeyong quickly turns away, jogging at the nearby corner where Room 304 is located. He sees the patient’s name, _Park Jisung_ , written on a small slide attached to the door along with his physician’s name. He knocks twice before twisting the knob open.

Goosebumps erupted on his skin the moment he steps inside the dimly lit room, unaccustomed to the freezing temperature coming from the air conditioning unit. He glances at the television for a split second, eyes slightly irritated by the light coming from it.

“Good evening,” he greets the person on the bed with a hushed tone, noticing a sleeping elderly woman on the couch. The boy, perhaps around the age of 17 or so, turns to him wide-eyed. “I’m here to replace your drips.”

Park Jisung nods quietly and Taeyong proceeded to replace his IV drip without another word. He did not want to cause any more discomfort for his patient considering how the kid is already squirming nonstop on his bed, clearly not used to being around people he barely knows.

“Does it hurt?” Taeyong asks, pinching the bag several times to let the liquid drop. Jisung lifts his hand where the needle is and stares at the small amount of blood now slowly starting to disappear.

“No…”

“Alright, let me know if you need anything.”

“Thank you…”

Taeyong only nods at him before proceeding to leave the room. He sighs as he closes the door behind him, a quiet one that can be heard along the empty stark white hallway.

He takes his time in walking, letting himself bask in the silence of the night. Others would never enjoy walking along the quiet corridors of a hospital in the middle of the night, but Taeyong is an exception. Somehow, as years flew by over his head, he found it rather intoxicating to spend most of his time at work and even preferring to work late in the night to have a bit more liberty on his own.

He is not quite sure if he is indeed a workaholic or he simply do enjoy his own job. Perhaps, trying to escape his dreams also come into play, but aside from the fact that he does want to take his mind off of those recurring dreams, he also finds himself craving and wanting to drown himself with his duties as a nurse. Kun had commented multiple times about his unhealthy obsession with wanting to serve other people, but at least he’s not yet that close to Doyoung’s level.

That one’s the personification of being a workaholic.

Upon arriving at the office, he comes face to face with Doyoung once again, the younger clearly in a rush as he scurried towards the doorway and almost bumped into Taeyong. Doyoung takes a step back, pressing a palm over his chest.

“What’s wrong?” Taeyong asks quietly, head turning to check the other sides of the corridor to see two of their colleagues walking languidly towards them, posture relaxed yet obviously growing tired with every step.

“Ah! You’re right in time!” Doyoung grabs both of Taeyong’s shoulders and gently shakes him. “I need you to check on my patient for the meantime.”

“Why?”

“I’m on-call right now. A patient’s just been rushed to the ER and Dr. Nam called for me to assist him with the surgery.”

Taeyong agrees immediately, and Doyoung quickly thanks him before rushing along the hallway and towards the nearest elevator on their floor, footsteps resonating throughout the place.

“Is he alright?” Seungwan asks while she and another one of their colleague, Joohyun, trails behind Taeyong as they enter the room. “He’s always rushing whenever I see him around the hospital.

Taeyong chuckles at her comment before making his way towards the largest desk in the room. Joohyun snorts at her as she takes a seat on the nearby couch, long black hair tied into a sleek bun. “As if you’re not already used to him, Seungwan-ah.”

“Hey, I’m just saying. Taeyong here is also a workaholic but not to that extent! Doyoung seems like he’s ready to sacrifice himself every single time an emergency happens!”

“He probably is, though,” Taeyong chuckles at Seungwan. “I won’t be surprised if he’s willing to do that.”

“Has he always been like that ever since?” Joohyun asks, curious of the young nurse.

Taeyong nods and proceeds to flip through the documents on Doyoung’s desk, lower lip lodged in between his teeth as he read through Doyoung’s most recent patient’s medical file.

“But you got to admit, he’s very admirable!” Seungwan comments.

“And stingy,” Taeyong scrunches his nose is displeasure, reminded of his time in the university with Doyoung. He picks up one of the younger’s documents and turns to Joohyun. “Is Jung Jaehyun the police officer who got shot?”

“Yeah, why?”

Taeyong reads through the rest of the patient’s file, eyebrows furrowing more and more with every passing second. “I didn’t know he’s in a coma…”

“I think he hit his head against a wall after being shot,” Seungwan makes her way towards her own desk, both hands resting inside the pockets of her pink scrubs. A few strands of her hair stuck onto her forehead. “I was there during his operation and we had to remove three bullets in his right lung. Dr. Kwon said the patient’s experiencing heavy internal bleeding as well.”

“That’s very dangerous!” Joohyun exclaims. “Is he stable at least?”

Seungwan nods at her colleague. “He is, but Dr. Kwon is still seeing if his condition will worsen or not.”

Taeyong continues to scan the police officer’s medical records. Jung Jaehyun is a couple of years younger than him yet he already seemed to be exceptional in his own field. His cousin and legal guardian, Suh Youngho, seems to also be in the same field as him. It must have been burdensome, Taeyong thinks, considering how a person almost lost his life whilst trying to save other people. Taeyong wonders of he’ll be able to have the same courage to face death eye to eye.

He vowed to save the lives of many, but he thinks deeply about what his priorities might suddenly become if he ever comes to a situation where he has to choose. His life or the lives of many?

Taeyong sighs through his nose as he walks over to his desk, quickly grabbing his clip board with him. He bids a swift goodbye to Seungwan and Joohyun before heading out of their office and making his way to the right wing of their floor where Jung Jaehyun’s room is situated. Before entering the room, he pulls out a face mask from his scrubs’ pocket, making sure he looks presentable enough despite dealing with a comatose patient.

“Good evening,” he greets warmly, seeing as there was another person inside the room. “I’m here to check up on the patient? Mr. Jung Jaehyun?”

The tall, dark haired man nods at him, standing up from the chair he was sitting on to give more space for the nurse. Taeyong notices how much taller the man is compared to him.

“How is he?” Suh Youngho asks quietly, voice in a whisper yet enough for Taeyong to hear. Only the low hum from the air conditioning unit and the constant beeps from Jaehyun’s monitor accompanied them through the night.

Taeyong swiftly glances at his patient through his eyelashes, rapidly scribbling down on his clip board all while Youngho waited for his answer. He notices the oxygen mask covering Jaehyun’s mouth and nose at first before his eyes traveled to the bandage wrapped around his forehead.

He blinks once.

“Will he experience memory loss?” Youngho asks for the second time, still waiting as he stared at the back of Taeyong’s head. “When will… When will he wake up?”

Taeyong notices the curve of Jaehyun’s eyelashes as a beat passes by, and he feels, _he feels_ his own heart stutter from within his chest the moment realization dawns on him. His eyes flicker momentarily the steady rise and fall of his patient’s chest, and with another beat screaming past his ears, an image he so awfully knows of carefully caresses his vision.

Jung Jaehyun seems familiar to his eyes.

“Uh, nurse? Are you alright?”

Another beat passes. Taeyong blinks once, twice. He then starts to blink rapidly, gently shaking his head to get back to his senses. He takes a step back, clearing his throat before apologizing. He tells Youngho about his cousin’s condition, delivering the words as though they were rehearsed, and despite the man’s questioning gaze afterwards, he proceeds to leave the room without another word, breathing heavily as he staggered across the hallway.

* * *

It has been approximately 3 hours, 24 minutes, and 17 seconds since Taeyong got off from his shift. He has long since left the hospital then, his own body begging for him to rest all while he continued to skitter around his apartment. Dread loomed from within him despite not knowing what or why it is happening.

He stares at his pile of unwashed clothes, debating whether to do his laundry or lie on his bed instead. The latter sounded so much more appealing to his ears, yet he refused to do so, for he knows the inevitable. He tilted his head to the side, listening to the droplets of water hitting the ceramic sink as it echoes through the shallow hallway of his apartment—like raindrops hitting the window pane slowly, as if teasing at first.

His dreams, once again haunting him even when aware and knowing.

He sighs and let himself sit at the edge of his unmade bed. He feels the same old feeling of guilt eating him away, now mixed with a tinge of familiarity he cannot seem to place. Jung Jaehyun, as he continues to think, now bugs his mind as well. Somehow, despite barely knowing the man, he feels as though he’s known him more than half of his life.

He stares at the window sitting across him, its corners glowing a hint of yellow from the bright sun. He hears the quiet shuffle of the busy streets below, and as he continues to remain on his spot, he finds himself gently caressing his chest. He presses a palm over where his heart stood beating, feeling the steady pumps from within his chest.

It simply uncanny how he can feel such vehement emotions towards a person he barely knows in his lifetime. Jung Jaehyun is nothing but a mere stranger—a person he so happens to cross paths with due to unforeseen events. They are both only here to exist and nothing more.

Taeyong sighs, and soon, as he finds himself slowly succumbing to his body’s quiet prayers of enough sleep and rest, he also finds himself wishing for his own peace of mind.

When he closes his eyes, he sees Jung Jaehyun.

* * *

_General Jung stands before the king, tall and broad, honorable as though he carries the whole world on his shoulders. The ghost of a smile plays right across his thin lips—a permanent smirk that many sees as smugness from being an important piece to the king’s collection. A foot behind him stood his cousin and right hand, Suh Youngho._

_His Royal Highness, King Lee Taeyong, sits on his throne, chin upturned and an eyebrow raised as he attentively listens to his adviser’s words, weighing the choices for their plan to continue the attack against the other nation while their own army is still in the state of exhaustion and loss from the previous battle. Adviser Kim Doyoung spares a glance at the military general, disdain and bitterness tainting his gaze in which General Jung recognized all too well._

_Jealousy._

_“Your Majesty,” General Jung starts, standing firmly on his spot with both arms relaxed by his side. Taeyong motions for Adviser Kim to stop talking, and the latter quickly steps back from his position, smoothing out his navy blue dress in the process. “We have lost countless of men already from the recent attack. If we are going to push through with invading their capital, we might lose the battle altogether.”_

_“How many did we lose this time?” Taeyong raises an eyebrow at him, eyeing the way General Jung faltered for a split second under his fiery gaze._

_“Less than half—“_

_“We lost three quarters of our army the last time we participated in a war, General Jung. Less than half is nothing compared to what we have already previously lost.”_

_General Jung clenches his jaw repeatedly, biting his tongue in the process. He continues to stare at Taeyong, a sense of irritation bubbling within him from the king’s stubbornness. Perhaps he is being blatantly rude for letting himself gaze upon His Royal Highness in such a degrading manner, and he certainly would not be able to step out of the palace without receiving any harsh punishment from the king himself, yet he knew he had to stand up for his own men._

_If he won’t, then who else would?_

_Taeyong lifts his lefthand and motions for Adviser Kim with his index finger. He keeps his eyes trained at the long blue vest General Jung is wearing, a symbol of his military position._

_“Your Majesty?”_

_“I need to know the status of the other nation’s capital and their royal military. We need to send out spies within their borders as soon as possible.”_

_“Whose men will we send, Your Majesty? Queen Bae has already refused to help you for this matter.”_

_Taeyong whips his head to glare at Adviser Kim. General Jung takes a sharp intake of breath, breath hitching at the mention of Taeyong’s wife. He subtly tries to clear his throat, vision swimming in red as he proceeds to have his gaze fixed at the gold linings of Taeyong’s scarlet gown._

_“Jaehyun…” Youngho quietly calls out for him. “You need to talk to him alone if you want to settle this once and for all. We cannot risk it.”_

_General Jung purses his lips into a grim line, thoughtfully thinking of other alternative ways to persuade the young king with his decision. With Adviser Kim by Taeyong’s side, he knows it would be a hopeless cause considering how valuable Kim Doyoung’s words are to the king._

_He may hold a bit more leverage, though._

_“The Crown Prince can lend a few of his men, Your Majesty.” Adviser Kim suggests thoughtfully._

_Taeyong tilts his head to the side as he spares another glance at General Jung. Crown Prince Lee Jeno may be more than willing to help with the matter at hand if only he would not have to work with General Jung as well. The first born and only son of the king with Queen Bae holds a grudge against the military general that anyone from the palace cannot seem to place. Jaehyun does not blame the young prince’s intuition against him, though._

_“He would be too stubborn,” Taeyong comments half-heartedly. “The Crown Prince wishes to not associate himself with any of the military’s duties.”_

_“Your Majesty,” General Jung calls for him in a more relaxed tone, velvet in a sense. He drops his head down low. “I ask to speak with you privately if it would be alright.”_

_“Privately?” Adviser Kim starts to interject. Taeyong quickly raises a hand to stop him from speaking any further as he let his eyes wander over to the people in front of him._

_“Leave us.” Taeyong commands, and his armed personal soldiers along with Suh Youngho all proceeded to retreat quietly._

_General Jung lifts his head to meet Adviser Kim’s burning glare. He watches as Taeyong quietly murmurs to his trusted right hand, jaw tensed and an eyebrow raised. Hesitantly, Adviser Kim carefully walks down the wooden platform and towards the red oak wood doors, letting his feet drag against the floor as he approached the exit. He turns back to grab both handles of the sliding doors before pulling them together to close._

_Once General Jung hears the familiar tremble of doors clicking shut, he slowly let his guard down._

_“Tell me, Jaehyun-ah,” Taeyong stands up from his throne, his scarlet gown pooling over his feet as he slowly made his way down the platform. “Why should we not proceed with the attack? The opportunity calls for it, and we will surely gain more than what we will lose.”_

_“It is not a wise decision, Your Majesty.”_

_Taeyong scoffs and shakes his head. He stops at the foot of the platform, a taunting smile splitting his face in half. He knows what General Jung is trying to do, knows surely the game the latter wants to perform. A game of push and pull—of morality and personal choices._

_Your Majesty. Such pathetic words rolling off of Jaehyun’s tongue as though the title never bothered him just as much as Taeyong’s position makes his knees tremble with slight fear. Taeyong hates it; hates how his status makes people fear him, cower before him. He hates how even Jaehyun, of all people, bows down to him as a sign of duty and respect._

_“Don’t.” Taeyong grits his teeth, jaw clenching repeatedly in disdain. “Don’t do this now, Jaehyun. Do not use my title against me.”_

_The king stops a few steps away from where Jaehyun stood, and he stares at the military general with eyes speaking of a thousand words no one could ever decipher. Jaehyun knows that look all too well—a surge of familiarity beginning to crawl its way into his slowly beating heart._

_It has always been like this. He was made to serve the crown, made to serve whoever possesses it. The palace, he realizes, is a place of traps._

_Your Royal Highness King Lee Taeyong is one of them._

_“Going straight into another battle may cause us our downfall,” Jaehyun sighs and averts his gaze. “Our men are in a state of exhaustion as well, and sending them off to another battle would give more leverage to the other side.”_

_“Will we wait for their men to heal, then? We cannot stand idly now that we have started a war against their nation. We will die even before we get to close our eyes during the night.”_

_“You do not understand, Your Majesty. Their men are—“_

_“I told you to address me properly, Jaehyun!”_

_General Jung finds himself biting down on his tongue as he watches the king desperately run a hand through his jet black hair. He stares at the deep scar resting beside Taeyong’s right eye; a symbol of shame and power in the eyes of many. Shame for a royal cannot bear any scar, and power for how he continues to reign despite the one flaw he has._

_Jaehyun thickly swallows his pride. “Taeyong,” he softly calls for him, voice a cacophony of birds chirping and snow falling quietly against tree trunks. “You have to think rationally.”_

_Taeyong bites back a sigh from escaping his lips, and he slowly makes his way towards Jaehyun in small steps. Fear and desperation ran along his frame as vulnerability hits him all at once. Jaehyun was ready to catch him._

_“They will kill us first,” Taeyong mutters. He hears the cries of his own people being slaughtered like livestock. He sees the palace in flames, men and women scrambling on their feet as arrows and swords clashed with one another. He sees Jaehyun in the middle of it all, as well. Bruised and bleeding. “If we do not push through with the attack, they will kill us first. Do you understand that, Jaehyun-ah?”_

_Jaehyun remains on his spot, and when he feels Taeyong’s cold hands gently close around his cheeks, thumbs caressing underneath his eyes, he feels himself wavering. He cannot let himself falter even just for a fraction of a second, he has to think of his own men and the nation they serve._

_Yet, as he feels the king’s lips mold with his, tongue slipping inside his mouth with ease as he lets his fortress wither into pieces, he feels his own loyalty slipping away from his fingertips as well._

_The palace is indeed a place of traps, and the king’s lips might be the deadliest of them all._

_No one knows Taeyong the most other than Jaehyun himself, and perhaps the latter takes pride with such fact. Growing up together within the palace as mere children, oblivious of what goes on behind the scenes, they have learned to love and give despite knowing what may potentially happen once they get caught. They had plans for each other, plans of eloping. Taeyong then was willing to drop his status as a prince, and Jaehyun, being the ever so noble man he is, was willing to lift mountains for the only man he loves if it meant freedom for the both of them._

_Freedom to love._

_Alas, the palace is a battleground for those who want to survive, and as much as the two of them crave for freedom the same way they crave for each other’s love, they wish to survive as well. When Taeyong rose to the throne, and Jaehyun had to take over the military after his father passed, they realized just how much of a dilemma they are about to face._

_The can never have freedom after all._

_Jaehyun pulls away from Taeyong’s kiss with a grunt, and he sees Taeyong cast him a glare as he took a step back._

_“Let us not do this here,” Jaehyun whispers. “We— I can’t, Taeyong. I’m sorry.”_

_“Why are you apologizing?” Taeyong holds out a hand, voice as though pleading._

_“Because I may have to disobey your word this time. I apologize for the disrespect, Your Majesty, but I cannot risk my men.”_

_“Jaehyun—“_

_“And I hope you may refrain yourself from coming to me when we are out in public, Your Majesty. People in the palace are starting to talk.”_

_Jaehyun then turns his back without another word, leaving Taeyong alone inside the confinement of his own abode, throne sitting behind him quietly. When General Jung leaves his sight, Taeyong realizes how deafening the silence can be._

_“General Jung has left the palace, Your Majesty.” Adviser Kim informs him later that day, just as dusk fell rapidly across the horizon._

_Taeyong does not answer, and instead proceeds to leave his throne room without another word. Jaehyun will return the next day, he knows of that. He always does._

_He heads to his chamber, quiet footsteps accompanying him along the shallow hallways of the palace. Adviser Kim remained a few steps behind him, worried for the king, because as much as he loathes General Jung’s existence, he also knows just how much the man means to the king._

_“Your Majesty…”_

_“I would like to have my rest now, Adviser Kim. Please call for Court Lady Kang to have me ready for my slumber.”_

_Adviser Kim watches as the king turns his back against him, and just as he starts to close the doors to Taeyong’s chamber, they both hear hurried footsteps resonating throughout the hallways. Taeyong swifty turns, watching as some of the royal guards approached them._

_“What’s wrong?” Taeyong asks. Adviser Kim proceeds to bow his head and step aside._

_The royal guards go into a halt, bowing respectfully to their king before one of them speaks up._

_“We apologize for the sudden intrusion, Your Majesty, but we are here deliver terrible news to you.”_

_“What’s happened?” Taeyong furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “Has there been an attack?”_

_One of the royal guards shakes his head. “There has been none, Your Majesty, but we have caught General Jung’s cousin attempting to assault Queen Bae.”_

_Taeyong’s feet grows cold at what he heard. He hears Adviser Kim gasping quietly on his spot while the royal guard continues to speak._

_“It seems as though Suh Youngho has attempted to molest the Queen while she was inside her own chamber. The court lady assigned for her bath reported to have seen General Jung’s cousin slip inside the Queen’s quarters while she was getting ready.”_

_“How is the Queen? Where is she?” Adviser Kim asks worriedly._

_“She is within her chamber as of now. Suh Youngho has since been taken away by the royal guards and had him imprisoned. He is currently being held at the Executive Office for the meantime.”_

_Taeyong quickly pushes past the royal guards, eyes wide and frantic as he rushes through the hallways of palace. He turns to a corner and steps outside, seeing the already darkening sky loom over the wide garden as he makes his way towards the Queen’s chamber. Even from a far distance, Taeyong could already see most of the royal guards standing by the doors while the members of the court house stayed behind._

_“Your Majesty,” greets the head of the guards. All others bowed respectfully once they see their king, and Taeyong evidently ignores them as he pulls open the wooden doors to the Queen’s room._

_Fragrance of roses welcomes him the moment he steps inside Queen Bae’s quarters. Court Lady Kang Seulgi greets him rigidly, her feline eyes stricken with fear._

_“Leave.” Taeyong orders quietly, and soon enough, everyone but the royal couple remained within the confined space of roses and dimly lit candles._

_Queen Bae Joohyun lifts her gaze to her husband, eyes clouded with indifference and not even a hint of fear or anguish. She wore a striking blue silk robe over her petite body, collarbones protruding sensually as she quietly proceeds to comb her long dark hair with her fingers. She sits at the edge of her bed, oblivious to the situation._

_Taeyong clenches his jaw once, then twice as he gathers his thoughts into coherent words. The two of them stay quiet for what seemed like eternity to those waiting outside, and Taeyong knows news have already spread like wildfire throughout the whole palace. Alas, he is not dumb._

_“He molested me,” Queen Bae utters without any form of sentiment. “I want him executed.”_

_“Stop lying,” Taeyong whispers through gritted teeth. Queen Bae glares at him, eyes widening in shock and defiance. “I am aware of your relationship with him, and I know well this would not have happened if you two haven’t been so careless!”_

_“What relationship, Your Majesty?” Queen Bae scoffs and slams the comb onto the wooden table in front of her. “I am only loyal to you, and you know that.”_

_“Stop lying to my face, Joohyun-ah,” Taeyong shakes his head. “I know everything about you and your bastard, so do not dare lie to my face!”_

_“He is not my bastard nor he is my lover, Your Majesty.” Queen Bae muses. “He is nothing but a whore.”_

_“A whore?” Taeyong gasps. “Do you know the consequences you could face the moment I tell the nation about this? This could ruin you!”_

_“And it could ruin you as well, Your Majesty,” Queen Bae leaves her spot and slowly walks over to her king. Taeyong watches her under the moonlight pouring over the small window by her bed. “Have you forgotten about your disgusting relationship with General Jung? Or do you want to play saint with me?”_

_“Do not drag him into this mess!”_

_“Why? Are you embarrassed? Embarrassed about what your people would say once they find out about their beloved king fucking a man behind the Queen’s back?”_

_“Stop it.”_

_“Then do your duty as a King and have Suh Youngho executed. I promise to keep my mouth shut so long as you bury my secrets as well, Your Majesty.”_

_Taeyong stares at his wife, and he continues to watch her as she approaches him with gentle footsteps. She places a warm hand onto his cold cheek, slowly caressing him with her thumb._

_“Tell them what happened, Your Majesty,” Queen Bae whispers fondly. “Tell them.”_

_And so he did. He calls for an urgent meeting in the middle of the night, interrupting everyone from their slumber, and in front of his family and own people, he announces the atrocity of General Jung’s cousin and his crime against the crown. He announces—with a heavy heart and mind—of the horrible deed Suh Youngho has committed against their beloved Queen._

_Tomorrow, when noon arrives, the wrongfully accused will be executed by the Royal Guards under the command of their King._

_What would Taeyong tell Jaehyun? The thought continues to run through his mind as he was accompanied by his guards through where Suh Youngho was being held captive. He sees the accused man kneeling with shackles binding his hands in front of him. Taeyong barely recognizes the friend he has grown to know throughout the years of being with Jaehyun, and he barely recognizes Suh Youngho and the man he has become as he proceeds to kneel in front of the king._

_Taeyong apologizes quietly, words barely audible to their ears as he gently caressed the back of Youngho’s head. He feels a wet patch staining the man’s hair, and when he pulls away his hand, he sees red._

_It is the blood of the enemy his hands are supposed to be stained with, and yet here he is, astounded by the blood of his own kind._

_Taeyong returns to his chamber later that night, and he does not fall asleep. He remains awake, all the while staring at the slowly burning candles within his own chamber. He feels the darkness slowly eating him away as he anticipates what is to come the moment dawn breaks into the horizon._

_Did he make a wise choice? Ever since he has ascended to the throne, he has made countless of decisions that he deemed best for his own nation, all while sacrificing his own happiness in the process. His relationship with Jaehyun deteriorated over the years that have gone by, and yet the latter still chose to stay by his side within the shadows all because they kept on telling each other that their love will never die. But you never hurt the person you love, and Taeyong knows that the decision he made will cause the inevitable._

_Will Jaehyun forgive him like how he did the previous times? He forgave Taeyong when the latter chose the throne. He forgave Taeyong when he decided to get married for the throne. He forgave Taeyong for every single one of his shortcomings because the throne demanded for it to be done._

_Tomorrow, he will know._

_Taeyong sighs through his nose as he watches the sun slowly wake from its slumber, painting the once dark sky with hues of yellows and oranges. For once, he wishes for the clock’s hands to stop moving._

_“Your Majesty,” Court Lady Kang greets in silence before entering the king’s chamber. She brought in a few of her workers to help her in changing Taeyong’s clothes._

_Taeyong does not acknowledge them and instead lets them do their job in peace. No one dared to betray the silence looming over the heads, and when they finished, Taeyong still chooses to stay inside his own room and wait._

_Only then does he move when he hears the bell ringing loudly throughout the whole palace. He was immediately accompanied by his guards once he steps outside of his chamber, his white gown pooling beneath his feet as he takes careful steps while heading towards the Third Inner Gate of the palace. Shortly after, he was joined by Adviser Kim who trailed behind his footsteps in silence._

_Taeyong was led to a small balcony overlooking the whole landmark of the palace. He spots the military and royal guards all lined near the gates as they stood facing the wooden platform for where Suh Youngho is to be hanged._

_Taeyong grits his teeth the moment the accused was dragged within the area. He turns his head to the side and sees the Crown Prince Lee Jeno quietly watching, eyes ignited in flames. He is but a mere victim to their lies as well._

_“Your Majesty,” Adviser Kim calls out to him once the head of the Royal Guard announces Youngho’s crimes against the crown. “You look pale…”_

_“I’m fine,” Taeyong breathes out, trembling lightly at the sight of his friend going up the platform without another word._

_Youngho grabs the noose with trembling hands and slowly inserts his head in between the rope. Tears start to slowly run across his cheeks, and as he looks up from where he stood, he sees the king watching his every move._

_Then, silence ensues. Taeyong takes a step back as he shut his eyes. He feels Adviser Kim coming in to support his back just as the sound of hooves hitting the pavement resonated throughout the whole place._

_“Youngho!”_

_Taeyong gasps and turns to where the gate was. He sees Jaehyun sprinting past the guards and across the road just as the stool below Youngho’s feet was removed._

_“No!” Jaehyun wails in despair as he got tackled onto the ground by some of the royal guards. “Let me go! No! Youngho!”_

_Taeyong clamps his mouth shut, swiftly turning around to refrain himself from seeing more of the scene. He continues to hear Jaehyun’s screams reverberating throughout the palace—screams for the death of his remaining family. Taeyong took that liberty away from him._

_The guards only let go of the military general after they deemed Youngho dead. Jaehyun took each trembling footstep with a heavy heart—voice nowhere to be found amidst the silence that begged to be shattered. He approaches his cousin’s body and kneels in front of it, wrapping his arms around Youngho’s legs and burying his face against them all while crying for injustice and false accusations, because he knows how the palace operates with their deeds, and he knows his cousin is only a victim of injustice._

_The crown kills everyone that gets involves with it. The throne makes the innocent a criminal. The palace is a place full of traps._

_The king faints from exhaustion afterwards, hearing Jaehyun’s screams even in his sleep, and when he wakes, the quiet rain during the deep night greets him._

_He does not see nor hear about Jaehyun for a week._

_“The government officials are all demanding for General Jung’s execution, Your Majesty.”_

_Taeyong freezes on his seat, numbing hand gripping the quill against his fingers as he tried to ignore Adviser Kim’s words. He now stays within his throne room most of the time ever since Suh Youngho’s death, preferring the open space and wider windows than the comfort of his own bed._

_“Your Majesty—“_

_“How many time do I have to tell you, Adviser Kim?” Taeyong does not look up from his parchment paper. “General Jung is not conspiring against us. The spy you sent may have not seen it clearly and thought General Jung is spending his spare time within the other nation.”_

_“He was seen with Concubine Son, Your Majesty.”_

_News always spread within the palace like wildfire, and more often than not, fruitless words most of the time will hold more leverage as long as it will fit people’s narratives. General Jung, for a few days now, have been the topic of interest within the walls of the palace. He was seen going around the other nation’s territory as a civilian, most said. The general is now conspiring against the throne now that his cousin got executed right in front of his own eyes, some will say. Taeyong thinks none of them and prefers to wait for his secret lover._

_“Concubine Son?” Taeyong lifts his head up to meet Adviser Kim’s gaze. He knows Concubine Son well. After all, they share a child as well. She and the second prince prefers to live away from the palace for it is a battleground as others have said._

_“Yes, Your Majesty. Some from our military has stated that the other nation is planning on orchestrating an invasion to execute you and the Crown Prince and have the second prince, Lee Donghyuck, sit on the throne instead.”_

_“And you think General Jung is working with them?” Taeyong raises an eyebrow. He refuses to believe it._

_“We have evidence, Your Majesty.”_

_“And what is it?”_

_“Some of the important documents the military holds are now missing. We have been told that before General Jung has left the palace, he was seen roaming around the library.”_

_He does not want to believe it, but as days went on, and the tension and pressure started building up over his shoulders, he felt as though he needed to make a decision that will benefit the nation rather than him._

_Perhaps, it was also pain from being left for so long that had caused him to give them his blessing. Pain from seeing his only lover leave him without another word. Taeyong wanted to blame himself, but how could he when all he thought of while making his decisions was Jaehyun’s safety against the crown?_

_His decisions, no matter how selfish, has always been for Jaehyun._

_Maybe, he thinks, this will be for the better._

_When the news of General Jung’s arrival rolled around the palace, all have gathered in front of the palace’s gates to welcome him back with a death sentence hanging around his neck like a leash._

_This is what it has come to._

_Taeyong stands in the middle, surrounded by his own men and Adviser Kim. From above the gates stood the archers, and behind General Jung were the swordsmen that greeted him in silence. Jaehyun steps down from his horse without another word, weaponless and unarmed. Dusk rolled around from behind him, and Taeyong has to swallow the lump in his throat as he gazes upon his lover._

_“General Jung,” Adviser Kim calls out to him, voice echoing across the great distance standing in between them. “You have been accused of going against the crown and committing treason by conspiring with the other nation to assassinate the King and his family. Do you admit to this?”_

_Taeyong clenches his jaw repeatedly as he waits for Jaehyun’s answer. Tell them the truth. Tell them you are innocent._

_“I am asking you, General Jung.” Adviser Kim says once again. “Do you admit to this? Refusal to answer will result to your death.”_

_Jaehyun glances at Taeyong with eyes as hard as stones. There is nothing left within them, only indifference. Taeyong feels himself breaking at the same._

_You are innocent, Jaehyun-ah. Tell them!_

_General Jung does not answer and instead only proceeds to stand firmly on his spot. Tall and broad. Honorable as though he carries the whole world on his shoulders._

_His fate has already been decided for him. His words no longer mean anything._

_Taeyong heaves out a heavy sigh, one that brought pain to his entire body. Pain that lingered continuously like the end of a waterfall._

_“General Jung, you have been sentenced by the crown to death for treason.” Adviser Kim announces._

_And just as night rolled out completely, the first arrow hits Jaehyun’s chest that made the air within Taeyong’s lungs get knocked out. It was as though he also got shot._

_Jaehyun falls to his knees while choking in the blood pooling inside his mouth. Taeyong’s vision starts to blur as more arrows rained on the man in front. This is what he will have to live with for the rest of his life, and for all eternity._

_Love, he realizes, cannot exist within the palace, because the palace does not know such thing. The palace, and the the crown, only knows grief and suffering._

_The are all a victim._

_Taeyong does not realize he had been holding his breath the entire time until Adviser Kim gently guides him back inside the gates. He sees the royal guards hauling General Jung’s body like a slaughtered animal, and he wishes the same thing was done to him if it meant being with Jaehyun for all his life._

_Taehong does not cry even when he decides to see Jaehyun’s body all by himself. He brings a candle with him as he makes his way towards the dark forest within the palace. The small candle he has been holding throughout his short journey was the only one accompanying him as he searched for his lover._

_He sees Jaehyun’s body by a field, surrounded by grass and dried leaves. Taeyong sets down his candle, and one by one, he removes the arrows from Jaehyun’s body._

_He does not cry._

_He spends the rest of his night sitting by his lover, feeling his legs go numb from underneath him. Then, dawn starts to break._

Taeyong wakes up with a jolt in his limbs.


End file.
